Nicotine Gum, Patches, Probably Won't Help You Quit

... so you might as well keep on smoking, right?

If your New Year's resolution was to quit smoking, a) ha, you're not going to make it, and b) those nicotine patches and gum you bought probably won't help. The most rigorous study ever performed on the effectiveness of smoking cessation devices has found that they do next to nothing to help smokers kick the habit. A team of researchers tracked 787 smokers from Massachusetts over several years, starting when they first quit smoking and checking up on the subjects every two years to check on their progress. The team found that there was no difference in the likelihood of a relapse between those who went cold turkey and those who used patches or gum. Among heavy smokers, or those who would light their first cigarette within half an hour of waking up, those using cessation aids were twice as likely to relapse as those who did not. Even when people followed the two-month regimen required to get the products' full effect, they were just as likely to relapse as the cold turkey crowd. This is probably not news that the smoking cessation industry wants to hear, which The New York Times notes has grown sixfold over the past two decades. And if you really are intent on quitting, we recommend you just replace cigarettes with fatty foods and more alcohol. Lesser of two evils, etc.