Satirical American Newspaper Discovers Sparsely Populated Landmass

Weekly newspaper to make Toronto even smugger, more insular than it already is.

The Onion, a U.S.-based satirical newspaper and website, issued a press release today announcing the discovery of a foreign land to the north of Minnesota known by locals as "Canada." The news stunned observers across the United States, who had previously figured that a giant void of nothingness had separated the lower 48 states and Alaska. "Ever since maps were declared to be too elite for our classrooms, we had just assumed that the world ended somewhere around Duluth," said The Onion president and CEO Tim Bradshaw at a news conference. "The discovery that there is land, animals, and even human beings that aren't Mexicans outside of our borders is a breakthrough for Americans of all stripes," says Bradshaw.

"We also have it on good account that this land has near-limitless oil and freshwater that they're just begging to give away."

Bradshaw, wearing a 10-gallon hat, a T-shirt with a bald eagle carrying the American flag in its talons, and Wrangler jeans, said The Onion has paired with a community newspaper called the Toronto Star to distribute issues of its print-based product starting this week. Bradshaw said he hopes The Onion's ironic commentary will force a couple laughs out of humour-starved Canadians, as many of their comedians have a nasty addiction to making millions of dollars in television and film studios in New York and Los Angeles. "So long as you guys share our love of baseball, the republican political system, guns, and private health care, we're sure we'll do just fine," says Bradshaw. Star executives were seen grimacing and wiping sweat off their brows, but sources say they were too polite to interrupt their new partner.

Other Canadian media were quick to welcome The Onion's arrival. Pierre-Karl Peladeau, president of Quebecor, told reporters in Montreal that he's "glad to have another news agency in this country as committed to accuracy and balance as we are." The editors of The Smew, a Toronto-based website, were spotted outside an Ossington Avenue bar chain-smoking and spewing incomprehensible drunk talk. "Sure, sure, eeeeverybody just looooooves The Onion," said editor Phil Jenkins between drags. "It's not like there isn't a perfectly good, small Canadian company doing almost exactly what they're doing, but with better knowledge of the market and without a friggin' paywall."

"Ah, screw it. Let's just go develop apps."