Trump Won't Run for President

Fans of second-rate reality TV can breathe a sigh of relief – The Donald has put Celebrity Apprentice ahead of the presidency.

Donald Trump announced today that he will not run for president next year in what's bound to be a disapointment for late-night comedy writers the world over. Trump, who had just signed an extension for another season of his reality show Celebrity Apprentice, said that while he was confident he would have won the election as the Republican party's nominee, his passion remains in the private sector. The billionaire real-estate mogul, though, maintains that he will continue to influence American governance by sharing his wealth of expertise on the economy, foreign policy, and, one assumes, hairstyling for aging white men.